Sometimes, I feel crazy. Not like straight-jacket crazy, but crazy nonetheless. I heard it said in a meeting over a decade ago that, “The good thing about getting clean is that I’d get to feel my feelings and the bad thing about getting clean is that I’d get to feel my feelings.” Ding, Ding, Ding! Nothing else that I’ve heard in the rooms rings more true.
This way of life has afforded me many things. Great friendships, jobs that I love, a roof over my head, a vehicle to drive, a kick-ass husband AND, most importantly, freedom from active addiction. My life is so full today that sometimes I literally feel like I cannot fit one more positive piece into the puzzle of my life. And then BAM! Everything seems to suck! I can’t manage my schedule, I can’t find time for my sponsees, I can’t find time for my Step work, I can’t find time for my friends, I can’t find time for a meeting, multiple things in my house need to be repaired and, all of a sudden, every piece that I try to squeeze into the puzzle, frustratingly, doesn’t fit.
When life gets out of control and I feel like I am spinning out and zooming around, I have to stop dead in my tracks and ask for help. I have to share in a meeting and get some experience, strength and hope. I have to write a gratitude list. I have to make choices about what I have to do, what I want to do and what can wait.
My disease is lying in wait for an opening. It is a daily possibility that I create that opening. BUT, if I do the next right thing, take care of myself and, most importantly, take using off the table as an option, everything will fall into place. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.